The Truth Beneath

Control

2012-01-13T06:01:00.001-08:00

There's snow, a new cut, and lots and lots of mixed feelings about events and people in my life...

I think I need to get things done as I sleep...

Pray hard, fight back... Change...

2011-11-24T03:45:00.000-08:00

I was thinking this morning of how much anger I am currently carrying around... and that is A LOT. However, this time, and despite all the doubts I have regarding how I feel, I believe it is the good kind of anger; the kind of anger that makes me want to change things...

There are things I need to CHANGE...
There are fights I need to lead...

and I need to pray harder...
so help me God...

Here I Go Again

2011-11-06T12:20:00.001-08:00

Second post in one night, and I don't even have much to say... It is just that this seems to be a perfect way of keeping track of my "cutting" issue... yes, I managed to do it, again... I am not proud, yet feeling much better...

After putting up my last post, I was feeling so bad that I started having arrhythmias, shortness of breath, etc. The usual I guess... took a pill with the hope of making it all go away, but wasn't patient enough to wait for the pill to work... I got out of bed and into my drawers searching for a razor... got myself one and made a small cut that bleeded A LOT (not sure how something this small could make so much blood), but hey; I'm feeling much better now!!

One day is over... Will be praying for a better tomorrow...

Same Thing, Different Day

2011-11-06T11:24:00.000-08:00

It seems like I never learn...

Note to self:
First day is ALWAYS a pain... I need to either deal with it or do something about it... Feeling sorry for myself at the end of the day is just not the brightest idea...

Let's now hope that the lesson is learnt!!

I'm Alive :)

2011-10-21T06:02:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in a while now... It's just the lack of important events in my life these days; although come to think of it, my days have been overwhelmed with events lately, just nothing that's "blogging material" I guess, plus, nothing I really want to talk about/remember...

So here you go; this post is to tell my non-existing readers that I am still alive :)

Ramble is over.

Peace...

In the Path of Self Correction

2011-09-23T11:52:00.001-07:00

I cannot believe how lacking in self-control I have been... I keep on tripping in the same spots, over and over again. I do things I am not supposed to do, then promise myself it is the last time... well guess what: IT NEVER SEEMS TO BE THE LAST TIME...

I need to gain some more control over myself. I need to stop giving into temptations... What happened last night WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN... I will be more in control... Enough weakness, enough tripping, enough irresponsibility...

I shall take it one step at a time in my fight against my bad deeds; and this is what I am starting with:

Last night shall not be repeated...

And this is my promise to myself... so help me God...

Peaceful :-)

2011-07-09T11:35:00.000-07:00

These couple of days have been different in a weird way; a good kind of weird. I feel like I've been struck by a wave of peacefulness. I am not really sure what is up, but I feel closer to God, inspired, more in control of myself, more disciplined, and less addictive...

These feelings come after a week of fasting (I think I need to do more of that!!)...

I now pray that this lasts, and is not just a phase that will pass...

Thank you God :)

Thank You

2011-06-27T13:33:00.000-07:00

Thank you God for loving me, for showing me the road
Thank you God for picking me up every time I fall
Thank you God for watching over me, being there for me
Thank you God for forgiving me every time I trip
Thank you God for loving me...

Thank you God...

I love you

Made a new one

2011-02-13T10:26:00.000-08:00

I cut myself today...
I feel tired...
I am sleepy now...
But it is not bad... not bad at all...

2010-10-10T08:11:00.001-07:00

لا يلدغ مؤمن من جحر مرتين
لا يلدغ مؤمن من جحر مرتين
لا يلدغ مؤمن من جحر مرتين

Of Dreams and Daydreams

2010-08-17T11:48:00.000-07:00

I came back from work yesterday a bit tired, I laid down to rest and I fell asleep... I had a dream... I was looking at the cuts I had made on my leg a while back, they were so deep that I could see my bones through them. I was so excited looking at the cuts, it felt soooo good... I woke up, thinking; What is wrong with me?!!!

Ever since yesterday I have been thinking about that dream, and how I long for a deep fresh cut, one that is unhealed... i feel so sick thinking this way but I cannot get the idea out of my head... I couldn't sleep last night, I kept on thinking about my urge for a new cut. I googled some pictures of self inflected cuts, with the hope that looking at some pictures will make the urge disappear, but it wasn't enough: I want to touch one, and peel off the newly healing parts... I don't know what is wrong with me... Thinking about it rationally, I am thinking that this is not an addiction I am falling into, as frequency of the cutting practice has decreased somewhat... but what is this?

Maybe I need to stop rationalising things that may never make sense...

One of Those Days

2010-08-10T10:22:00.001-07:00

Today was one of the worst days of my life... yes, I am not going to call it "THE" worst, but only one of those days...

I have had several confrontations with different people, that I was starting to think: "could it be me?"

But then again I think... ummm, I don't think so... no matter how jumpy or aggressive I have been lately, it is not OK for someone to treat others disrespectfully to prove a point, or because he/she had a bad day... If you can't take the stresses of your job; DON'T WORK...

It is not OK for someone to treat people unfairly and then tell them; "Even if I am making a mistake; This is what I've got, deal with it"... If you think that this is OK for you to do or say, then you should be fully ready for other people's reactions...which usually aren't so sweet, considering that you are dealing with an average everyday kind of human.

Oh, and it is also not OK to spontaneously tell a driver how to move their car steering just because she's a girl... Back off and mind your own business.... I wouldn't be driving a car if I couldn't drive, and I am sick of people's sexist brains, blindly judging what others could or couldn't do properly without knowing the first thing about them...

So, this was a summary of my day, and I am kind of socked, disgusted, but fairly OK... I can move on to the next day with no heart attacks, yet no smiles guaranteed...

Back at the Beginning

2010-07-23T10:05:00.000-07:00

After 36 days of being cuts-clean, I did it again... I was so angered and disappointed today that I grabbed the razor and made two big cuts on my right leg... those were probably the deepest cuts I have made since I started cutting. I made the first cut and didn't really feel any better, which led me to the second ; I didn't feel that much better, only slightly, but it wasn't as effective as before. The cuts were real deep, but they didn't hurt at all. I didn't feel a thing, nothing but anger...

And as usual, I felt sleepy afterwards, went to bed and slept for like 45 minutes or so... I still feel angry and stuck and disappointed... and I am scaring myself by the fact that i am now requiring deeper cuts to feel the satisfaction I felt earlier...

I am back at square number one...

Meditation

2010-07-22T01:09:00.000-07:00

God is Great... God is Great...

Giving in... Again...

2010-06-17T10:19:00.000-07:00

I gave in again to temptations today... I made a new cut... I am not very proud of myself, but I am thinking that those small cuts may be the only thing keeping me from ending my life... as twisted as this may sound, those cuts are somehow keeping me sane...

I chose a new spot for cutting, as it is summer now, and my wrist is just too exposed for people to see, so I cut my thigh. It was a very small harmless cut, but it worked like magic, I was smiling as soon as I finished the job, and after wards, I felt sleepy... I don't know if this is usual, cz I feel sleepy every time I make a cut... I don't know if there is a scientific explanation for it, but who cares if it has an explanation or not... I know I don't, I just want the pain to go away, and this is exactly what's happening... I know I can't keep on doing this forever, but maybe I'll be able to stop after a while or something... I don't know, and I don't really care to know at the moment... I am just glad it worked again, and I'm feeling better for now... will think about the future later on...

Connecting with Myself

2010-06-14T11:28:00.001-07:00

Well, as lame as this may sound, I don't really have anything to say, but I am trying to make myself post on a "more" regular basis than I used to, thinking that this may make me more in touch with my feelings, and with myself...

I've been asking myself the same question a lot lately... after long days, stressful events... etc. I ask myself: "how do I feel?"... and my answer usually is: "I don't know"... I've been told before that this is not very common for a girl, as girls are usually more in touch with their feelings, but I guess my life is not very common either, so it is only normal to feel this way. So anyway, I am thinking that maybe keeping this blog updated with more and more everyday kind of ramblings of mine would keep me more aware of how I feel about things, and consequently keep me "more" sane...

How do I feel right now?
I feel exhausted, disappointed, yet hopeful for a good week to come... Inshallah

O.K.

2010-06-06T11:42:00.001-07:00

Today was a good day; I finished reading a great book; the curious incident of the dog in the night-time, a not so-new-yet-so-amazing-book... I attended a nice workshop that made me think that there are other options for me in the future than what I had in mind earlier, I also met some interesting people there :)
Oh, and I am fixing my schedule to enroll myself in self defense classes...will probably start sometime next week if all goes as planned...

Haven't cut myself in 2-months and 11-days...
I am OK...

Thank you God :)

Fighting Demons

2010-05-28T07:23:00.000-07:00

It has been 9 weeks since I last tripped... I don't feel proud though... and I am not doing it for me... the extra control over myself is taking too much of my energy...

Exhausted still... and I am not sure if it is supposed to feel this way...
But I will keep on going, and pray for better days...

So help me God...

Haunted

2010-05-28T07:06:00.000-07:00

I pray for a night of dreamless sleep... I don't want to dream... I just want to sleep, peacefully... it hurts so much to think while asleep, all the ideas I hear so loudly in my head... all the thoughts I block out during the day... all the faces that I know and I don't know...are haunting me in my sleep...

I don't want any scary dreams, I don't want any sweet dreams that turn out to be fake once I wake up... I don't want to relive my eventful or eventless days... I want some peace... I need some peace...

I just wish the dark brown colour I see when I close my eyes would last all night long... and for that I will pray...

I am tired...

Appology...

2010-03-13T10:10:00.000-08:00

My head will explode… thoughts are too loud, and I cannot silence them. I can’t even lower their voices…

I hate myself for doing what I do best; It’s all so Fake…

I need some peace… I see blood, and I like blood, and I hate blood…

I am waiting… but I’m not sure what I am waiting for… oh yes I do know… I am waiting for the same thing I pushed away last night…

I feel so numb… I feel so sober… and it hurts like hell…

I feel so sick, inside and out… and I am too tired; too tired to sleep, too tired to stay awake…

I need to go; to another state of mind, to a new level of life, a new phase; where I gain more control over myself, where I stop hurting people, and stop hurting myself, where I can sleep peacefully, and wake up peacefully, where I feel the rain, get wet, and have my sins washed away…

I am sorry…

On Valentine's Day, A Doorway to My Red World

2010-02-14T10:33:00.000-08:00

Everything looks so red today...

All is coloured in RED...

It’s on T.V., on my neighbourhood streets, and on the torn papers of my notebooks...

All is coloured in RED...

It’s the colour of the car trying to pass in front of mine...It’s on the gardener’s shovel... It’s reflected in my brother’s eyes...

All is coloured in RED...

It’s in my memories; on the nails of my fifth grade Arabic teacher, on the faces of my favourite cartoon characters, and on the ground of my old house’s backyard...

All is coloured in RED...

It’s in my dreams...It’s the colour of the bridge I fell off last night... and the colour of the candy I got the night before from the monster below my bed...

All is coloured in RED...

It keeps popping up in front of me, passing by my eyes, and resting in my mind...

All is coloured in RED...

It is Valentine, they said;

When all is coloured in RED...

But no, wait...

It’s NOT just Valentine...

It’s not just today...

Red is there all year long...

Red is for Love, my friends taught me one day...

Red is for aggressiveness, my psychiatry professor taught me one day...

Red is for blood, I learned on my own one day...

My Wishes for the New Year

2010-01-01T03:22:00.000-08:00

Here comes the first day of 2010...

So, what do I wish for now that the new year has come?!?

I wish for

Less drama
More peace of mind
Less judgementality
More understanding
And less emotional turmoil

I wish for

A positive change
Deeper spirituality
Less addictions
More acceptance
Less carelessness
More honesty

I pray for

More rain
More inspirations
and more closures

Suicidal Ramblings

2009-11-29T08:51:00.000-08:00

I cut myself today, didn't really want to slash my wrist, but wanted to feel the relieving pain that a small cut brings a long, to check how it feels, and get an idea of how it would feel if I decided to get a long with the slashing...

I always told myself that I know down deep I'd never kill myself, but I've been thinking a lot about it lately that it is starting to seem more and more possible, more and more real...

I got a sharp knife, had it move across my forearm, along all those thin veins and vessels... I held it close, and had it caress my cold skin... I liked how it felt... The knife was obviously not sharp enough to make a cut, I wanted to see the blood, just one drop of blood would make me feel good; this is what I kept telling myself... I got a pin and tried it out, wasn't as sharp as needed either... or maybe I didn't press hard enough, I don't know... I had another idea, I got the scissors, and made a small cut, one tiny drop of blood stood there watching, looking straight at me. it felt good, but not good enough, I cut again... and again... and again... and got myself a respectable drop of blood, and a bruised skin... it felt so good...

I am not so sad anymore... I may be sick, but not so sad anymore!!!
That works fine for me at the moment...

Today

2009-10-30T06:05:00.000-07:00

Today... I spoke up... and it rained... it felt so bad... and it felt so good...
and it rained...

It is one of those hard things that need to be told; she may never make it, and you're doing mistakes...

It was hard to say, and hard to hear my voice word out... Am I the devil in this picture? I was made to doubt this myself, but it needed to be told...

The good thing is that it rained...
Thank God it rained...

!!!

I Have To...

2009-09-08T11:55:00.000-07:00

OK, so I am feeling a bit better now in comparison to how I felt when I posted my last piece. I however am a bit worried about my sanity, as I have been going on and off so frequently and so scarily for the last couple of weeks now. One hour I am on top of the world, the next I am thinking about ending my life; Yep, the idea has crossed my mind a couple of times, I have to say...

I took a quiz on Facebook today: "What mental disorder are you?"

My result? well, considering the details I have mentioned above, I don't think the answer is very hard to guess:

Multiple Personality Disorder... yep, that's me, guess it explains it all :)

It might have been set up for fun, but I guess it is some kind of a sign... I am not stable -at the moment- :)

But I guess I will be OK soon, I hope so, I would like to think so...
I have to be so...

Wandering Thoughts

2009-09-02T13:56:00.000-07:00

Despite the fact that I haven't posted anything over here for a relatively long time, I came here today to post these ramblings of mine. At the moment, this seems like the safest place for me. Unlike my other blog, people I know are unfamiliar with this one; A strong reason for me to think of it as some kind of a diary, that I write for myself, yet tidy up in case someone decides to take a peek or two... So, here I go with how I feel at the moment:

I am confused... I am sick, inside and out... I am tired... and I consistently feel the need to cry, to let it all out... I have lost the will to stay on this Earth... I have ciezed the desire to find out about why things happen, it's easier to think that somethings will never be understood, somethings are better left not understood... I am disappointed in humanity, yet I keep telling myself that I still have faith in humanity. Words go through my mind like wandering ghosts. Voices are getting so loud. It's all in my head. My head is about to explode. I want to go home. Back to my real home.

I am ready to go... I am so ready to go...

Virtual Reality... Or Not...

2009-05-15T05:25:00.000-07:00

I am so not going to start this post with explaining the reason behind my infrequent creativity; as I don't want it to turn into a cliche. I'm simply Tooooo BUSY.

So, Today I want to write about the greatness of the Internet. And no, I'm not going to talk about that fourth grade silliness of how the internet "yowaffer alwakt waljohd walmaal", which is unfortunately not exclusive to fourth graders in Jordan, it is something that you could hear about by T.V. presenters on the Jordanian channel (which I wont go into as it needs a whole post on it's own)...Anyways, where was I....Yeah OK, The greatness of the Internet.

I was thinking the other day about one of the greatest features the internet has. You actually get to block people who BUG you. How amazing is that!!!! This is one of the features that I wish real life has. Can you imagine blocking someone you can barely look at on days when you're not feeling your best, or maybe block your boss when their looking grumpy. That would be real sweet, wouldn't it !!!

But I guess life can't be this simple. If it was, then it wouldn't be exciting at all...

Great Analytical Thinking

2009-03-02T12:27:00.000-08:00

Today I came across a week old newspaper reporting the discovery of a skeleton somewhere east of Azraq city.

The report says that the skeleton was wrapped up in a cloth/blanket... and that the skeleton was sent to forensics department to reveal the sex of the skeleton's owner, cause of death, and whether there is anything criminal concerning the death or not.

so we've got a body wrapped up in a piece of cloth and dumped somewhere around Azraq city... and we're still not sure about any criminal actions involved in the incident...

This, my friends, is what I call: great analytical thinking !!!!

Hmmmmmmm

euh well... I am sure those people are doing their jobs very well, but I couldn't help but share my sarcasm concerning the way the news was written.

Paranoia or Mere Stupidity?

2009-02-24T10:52:00.000-08:00

Here is something that I came across while surfing the internet the other day... Something that I thought I would share with you...
This is what I call: FUNNY...hmmm... in a sad way :S
——————————————————————

“My wife was flying between 2 cities in the midwest this week and noticed that the arabic man next to her was texting the entire time of the flight.

It is my opinion that the guy was testing the limits of cell-phone texting capability during flight. Perhaps a dry-run for another coordinated attack. I urged her to call DHS and let them know what she saw.

Anybody else witness this kind of behavior?”
——————————————————————-

You can also find people’s responses to this guy’s post over here:

http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1887724/posts

And TRUST ME; some of them ARE worth reading...

P.S.: I can’t help but wonder if this guy is aware of the “games” option in his cellphone!!!

Enjoy Y’all :D

New Year... Same Old Dreams

2009-01-11T10:12:00.000-08:00

I haven't been around lately. I guess I just can't fully commit to more than one blog... but I do keep checking this one every once in a while, to make sure it is still...hmmm... there?!!!?!!!

Anyways, I just want to wish my probably non-existing-virtual-readers a happy new year, although I am not sure about the applicability of that, considering what's happening in the world these days...

But you know what?!!! What the hell... we've been there before... so I will be optimistic this time and say that we will get over it, just like we did the previous times...hmmm.. although, thinking about it, I am not really sure about the fact that we DID get over anything the previous times... Maybe we just became numb... or careless...

I don't know...

But that doesn't mean we can't pray, hope, or wish for the best this year...

So... Happy New Year Y'all :)

Peace...

Jinxy; The Tiny Mole

2008-10-19T09:42:00.001-07:00

Getting your face all edited and fixed up has become a must when you have your picture taken by a photographer. For me, I’ve never noticed the tiny changes made on my face, there has been however, one major change that all photographers I’ve ever been to, have anonymously agreed to make. Whenever I go to pick up my picture from a photographer’s studio, I notice something weird in it, something missing, and I usually find out after a focused gaze that the missing “thing” is the tiny mole above my right eyebrow.

I used to get annoyed when this happens, I still do, but the difference now is that I get angry and think of the reason behind this behaviour at the same time, making myself a productive human being at times of stress. Ever since I adopted this new self discipline, I always come up with that those people are actually trying to make me a favor by removing what they think of as an unneeded addition to my face.

I always think of going back to the studio and asking the photographer how he would feel if I took his picture and edited it to remove his nose, or maybe an eye, as this is exactly how it feels to me.

Today, I decided to take a tough attitude towards this issue, I even gave my mole a name; from this day on, my mole is called Jinxy, so that it jinxes whoever attempts to remove it. I have decided that my mole is an individual part of my face which has its own features and beauty. No matter how those photographers feel about my mole, it is and will always remain as an important and essential part of my face that I disagree to edit or remove using a computer programme.

This whole thing brings some flashbacks of something else to my mind... I just cannot remember what it is exactly.

It is just this idea of someone deciding to take out part of somebody else’s property because they felt like it… That rings a bell in my mind... O.K., I’m starting to remember better now... Names of certain countries are flashing in the back of my brain, countries that were stolen this exact way, just with a larger number of people involved, yet probably the same stupid excuses behind the removal (stealing) decisions.

Happy Eid :)

2008-09-29T10:21:00.000-07:00

Obviously, tomorrow is the first day of Eid Al-Fitr... So Happy Eid everyone. And may all your legitimate dreams come true :P Because yes, even our dreams should be legitimate, as you never know; they might actually turn from hopeless dreams into reality.

Enjoy All

50 JDs

2008-09-12T01:06:00.000-07:00

5o Jordanian Dinars is what it will cost you if you plan to go have breakfast this Ramadan in one of the clubs in Jordan with the Star of the Series: Noor.

Do I really need to say anything at all about this? Stuff like this leave me speechless. But hey, I will get over my speechlessness for a couple of minutes and write down a couple of comments (hmmm,,or just one) concerning the above written statement.

Inspite of my usual disagreement with us humans quickly judging that certain behaviours are 7aram, I have to say that THIS IS 7ARAM. I mean, paying 50 JDs in Ramadan, to go have breakfast with a lame T.V. character is 7ARAM. 50 JDS is an amount of money that could feed a family of 5 individuals, but no, one would prefer to take this money and go have breakfast with Noor, the star of a series that did not add up to our society in any way, not whatsoever, as I see it. well, reconcidering what I just said, it could have added in some way, a negative one, as it showed how silly some poeple could actually be.

I don't really know what else to say. I guess what I have just said should do it.

Bokra Ramadan

2008-08-31T11:36:00.000-07:00

A silver frame (That of the TV), dark background (around 7:30 PM) yet a bright set up (Lighted-up tent near AlHussain Mosque in AlHussain Gardens), and an agonising speech which lasted for around 10 minutes, a speech that wasn't quite understandable for me. This is how we recieved Ramadan of the year 2008. The announcement was either very vague, which made it hard for me to get what was being said, or I'm just losing my Intelligence. By the end of the 10 minutes speech I came up with only 2 facts, which could have been said in like 2 minutes, 1 minute for each. the two facts were:

1) Ramadan is a month that is Mubarak.
2) Tomorrow is Ramadan.

Anyways, let's not get technical..elmohem...

Tomorrow is Ramadan, so Ramadan Mubarak Y'all, that's if anyone actually reads any of my posts :P

Taxi in The Sun

2008-08-29T09:55:00.000-07:00

I know most of my entries, if not all, discuss issues from my surrounding environment, that being Jordan. I mostly end up writing about stuff that I don't agree with, and by stuff I -mainly- mean behaviours. Today, I want to write about something very positive that I thought is worth mentioning here.

I went out with my friend the other day around 1:30 pm. It was extremely HOT, and in order for us to get to our desired destination, we had to walk up to the closest main street to increase the possibility of finding a cab, and like any other summer day in Jordan, it wasn't easy to find one. We stood up there for like 10 minutes under the excruciating heat of summer to the point were we started seeing only one head ( that of the driver) in the taxis passing by, ignoring the rest of the heads (heads of the passengers), we kind of wished it so bad that we actually believed it.All of a sudden, a driver stopped, he was in his early 50s. We looked carefully and there they were, 3 heads at the back seat. That was weird. We were thinking: Why would he stop when he is already transporting passengers? My friend got closer to the front side of the car and leaned a little bit to the window, she shyly asked him if he could drive us to the closest main street where we could find a cap, he gladly agreed and we squeezed ourselves in along with the three girls already in the car. The old man asked us where we were going, and suggested that we stay with him as he drops the girls, then he could drive us to our destination. Of course, we very happily said: YES. As we got to the place where the girls want to go down, the driver spotted another girl waiting in the heat for a cab, he asked her where she was going, and she answered with the name of a place close to where we were going, he asked us if it was OK to take her along, and of course we agreed. we dropped the girl off on our way, and continued to our destination, knowing that the driver charged each one of us fairly (a thing that some drivers could take advantage of in such situations)

.I know I gave too many details for what might sound like a silly story, but it surely is not silly at all. This old man is a model that we miss around here in Jordan; serving people solely for the satisfaction it gives him by the end of the day. It is great to find that some people still feel good about helping others.

PreHurricane Food Stashing

2008-08-29T08:44:00.000-07:00

I went to carrefour yesterday, and it was obviously a very stupid choice to make, as it appeared to me that almost half of the citizens of Amman were in that place. I saw lots and lots of food being bought, and I remembered my dad's saying: " Jordanians starve all year long and eat during Ramadan". Yesterday, this sentence was no longer just a combination of words to think about, it was a reality that I got the chance to see.

Accents Confusion

2008-08-20T12:25:00.000-07:00

One who prefers listening to the radio over watching TV ( one like Myself ) will definitely enjoy living in a place like Jordan, as there seems to be a secret plan that aims towards establishing one radio channel for every Jordanian citizen by the year 2020. Quite interesting, but it is not today's subject.

However, something about those radio channels intrigues me into posting today. something that I would like to include in the following conversation:

Presenter: Alo mar7aba,,meen m3y?
Caller: (with an unnaturally soft and low voice...that you could confuse with that of someone who has just woken up) Hi ( name of presenter), lak ma 3reftne?
Presenter: eih akeed same3 halsawt el7elo men abel, bs bta3rfy 7ayaty byewsalna hawn 3l2ezai3ah kteer telephonat, fa ma be3ood feena netzakkar kel 7adan bye7keena
Caller :eih la2a ma beseer hayk, 7zaar
Presenter (obviously asks the person answering the phonecalls) and goes: eih ahlayn (name of the caller), hala 7ayaty.
Caller: l2a ana ze3laneh mennak kteer, sarly jem3a 3m 7aawel 2e7keek w ma 3m be3alle2 el5at m3y, shaklak mannak 7aebeb te7keeny?
Presenter: (trying to hide the irritation in his voice): l2a walaw, ne7na ben7eb nesma3 swaatkon el7elweh kel yawm, bs akeed ad mafy naes bye7koona mafi majael nred 3lkel.
Caller: l2a mo meshekleh,, ana bs kent 7abbeh sabbe7 3aleik w 2ellak enny b7ebbak kteer, w enny ma be2der kaffy nhaary bala ma esma3 sawtak el7elo. Welmama kaman betsallem 3aleik w bet2ellak enno barnaamjak be3a22ed.
Presenter: teslameely 7ayaty, w ana kamena b7ebkon kteer w b7eb esma3 swaatkon kel yawm
Caller: bs (name of presenter), feeny etlob 3'enneyye plz?
Presenter: enty bt3rfy enno mafy talabaet a3'any bhalbernaemej, bs enty tloby w iza feeny bmarre2lek yeha.
Caller: baddy 3'enneyyet ( Ya tayyebalGalbe weinak) .. w akeed behdeek yeha enta w bas...w merci kteer
Presenter: Merci 3l2ehdaa2. w akeed kamena l2nnek dellayty t7aawly ta3alla2 m3ek el5at w be3tezer mennek 3lte25eer elly sar
Caller: eheheh.l2a manna meshekleh...merci kteer...bye
Presenter: bbye 7ayaty...

This is the kind of conversations that I hear almost on a daily basis, they usually hold the same content, same fake lebanese accent on the part of the callers, with just different names. I am not going to discuss the content of the phone-calls as I feel it is way too silly of a subject to be discussed in MY blog :P. I however, do intend to comment on the little thing about the accent, I mean, what is wrong with people over here? Why do they pretend to speak in an obviously fake lebanese accent when they are speaking to lebanese presenters who work in channels that specifically transmit radio-waves TO Jordan from their offices IN Jordan, while targeting Jordanian audience???

I obviously don't know the reason behind the formerly presented question. But I could guess that they might feel cooler when they do so. However, this kind of "Cooler" that makes them feel happy and accomplished is the same one that gets on my nerves. How Ironic !!!

PS#1: By that I do NOT by any means intend to insult Lebanese people or Lebanese accent. my above written entry strictly discusses Lebanese " wanna be"s

PS#2: Try to imagine how awful it is when the caller is a male :D

Muteness

2008-08-18T12:33:00.000-07:00

News headlines (6th of July, 2008) : a Palestinian man got beaten up by Israeli settlers. The Israeli army saw the man and did not interfere until the man was tied and beaten up for almost 40 minutes. That was sad, and showed how cruel those people can be, but hey, don't we already know that about them, I mean, those are the same army that killed and tortured millions of Palestinians, simply because they thought they had the right to live in and control Palestine and its people.Listening to this part of the news reminded me of something that I saw in real life in one of Amman's nice clean streets; one of the streets were you mainly see people with new cars passing through. I was in the car with my mum and dad, and something caught my eyes from a distance; a young man was getting beaten up on the pavement dividing the street into two lanes. He was on the ground, and someone was kicking him real hard, the other was watching, and helped keeping him down when needed. Seeing this got my heart bumping real hard and quick. What bothered me the most is the fact that cars were passing by and no one stopped to help the young man getting the beating. (You're probably thinking why didn't I stop? I was on the other side of the road; I can't even begin to explain how far I was…).

So when I hear news like that on Al-Jazeera, I feel like: OK... the man is Palestinian, Settlers are Israelis, and members of the army were also Israelis…. That explains it all. However, when I see such a scene in Jordan!!!! That doesn't make any sense at all…

I guess this is becoming part of our identities as Jordanians specifically, and as Arabs generally. Without going into details of my last statement, I am going to explain it in a 4-word-sentence: we are becoming MUTE.

Spooky Daydreams

2008-08-18T12:17:00.000-07:00

That day... It started as boring as ever,and progressed real slowly through the seven sessions that I had to do ( and Yes, SEVEN hard and long therapy sessions, Sad but True). ElMohem, I finished my work and headed with one of my friends to meet another friend and get something to eat. It was nice, disregarding the fact that we spent 9/10 of the time talking about how stressful work is getting each day. Anyways, for some reason, I left the girls early and headed back home, the minute I stepped outside the place where I had lunch with my friends, my eyes caught a taxi with an old driver browsing for a potential passenger; I moved my hand to sign for him that I could be his potential passenger and he nodded happily welcoming me to get in, and so I did :D

The taxi driver was a typical old man who tended (like most old taxi-drivers) to search for a talk show on a Jordanian radio channel that probably no-one has ever heard of except for him and the workers in the channel. There were two girls talking, and people were calling in. From the discussions that went on between the two girls and the callers, it was obvious that they have asked people to call in and talk about their imaginations, their daydreams and stuff like that. The only thing that I could call sillier than the topic itself would be the answers that I heard.

I couldn't believe my ears when I heard this girl (who sounded like she's in her late teens-early twenties) explaining about what a wide imagination she has, that if left to daydream,she could go on for hours, up till here, things were acceptable, weird but acceptable. as she progressed with her answer, things got weirder and somewhat scarier. the girl proudly said that she daydreams about being a BEE, flying around and watching stuff, or even a RABBIT, jumping around freely, to mention a few of the "animals" she described.

??????????????????????What da Hell???????????????????????? I mean, I work 8:30- 5:00 each day, do 6-7 sessions a day, go back home to (usually) watch TV till it's 10:00 o'clock, then go to sleep. I usually end up blaming myself for the status of unproductivity that I live through when I feel too exhausted to study, thus leave my studies till the weekend. AND SOMEONE COULD ACTUALLY GO ON FOR HOURS DAYDREAMING ABOUT BEING A BEE OR A RABBIT?????????????? How could this be happening? Let alone how dysfunctional it sounds; a human being dreaming of being an ANIMAL? Living the life of an ANIMAL, and ACTING LIKE ONE... Wooow.

However, no matter how devastated I might sound to find out that this is the level of thinking of some fully mature individuals, a conversation like this could definitely make your day by giving you something to laugh about. Trust me on this.

Streets' Theory: The Living Dead

2008-08-18T09:27:00.000-07:00

It occurred to my mind a couple of days ago that I should work as a researcher, as I have been looking deeper into things lately, trying to connect information together, associate things and come up with my own modest theories.

On my way to work today I developed this theory, and I am going to post it with the hope that people understand that copyright is reserved, ( disregarding the zero to none ratio of viewers to this journal which really lessens the probability of my theory being stolen).

Anyways, my theory goes like this: "Some Objects that we recognise as non-living could actually be alive. " Could you believe this? do you need a proof? well, I guess this could be proven if and only if you're living in Jordan. The main thing that got me believing in this theory is observing the Streets of Amman. They start out dusty and hard to handle (during infancy). then they become nice and smooth (as they grow and mature a little bit). However, in a period of a month or so, they start developing extra ups and downs (Mid-Life crisis). No One does this to them, and by No One I mean NO ONE, they just happen to go up and down on their own. When it rains, water goes down the broken parts ( the downs) and as we all know, what goes around comes around, the streets actually leak out substances other than water at certain times of the year, as " matter does not disappear, it only changes form" and that substance usually smells... hmmmmm... I wonder why!!!

So, I have proven that our streets grow, drink, and have disposal systems that actually work. I wonder if they breath though.

# 1

2008-08-18T08:52:00.000-07:00

Ok... I'm finally in, for the second time after losing hope on my other blog. As I made a blog over here and something went wrong with it, I just couldn't fix it. I gave up, and here I am making a new one.

I will move the 2 entries I posted in my messed up blog. I also have another blog somewhere else. So the first couple of weeks of blogging will be of entries that I already posted over there. In other words; I'm moving in here with my old stuff, then I will start some new ones.

What else!! that's it for now, enjoy ur stay and happy reading :D